3d modelling of a dude by my friend Ture, Nils- Nils Ture
So hi and welcome, im not the best at doing journals regulary, but i usually do it on my iphone or classic with pen and paper. But i thought i wanted to share my experiences with you guys so imma start doing it here as well and ill try covering a lil bit about what is going on in my life and in my head.
First of i assume you might think whaaaat the fuck is this website even, you've probably stumbled across the descriptions of the ÖSP Project and all that.
Yeah maybe you get the idea that im very overly ambitious which is daaaamn right lmao xDD Therefore it has been a bit inactive for a while. I didnt have the time to keep it all up really ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Tbfh, i've been pretty burned out. I've been trying to keep up all my millions of projects (music projects, this website, organizing raves, going to raves, photography) at the same time as i've been working fucking haaard at the bike shop, continously self studying different shit, moved around stockholm every like 6th month (i fkn hate short term contracts but what to do i just joined the "bostadskö"), trying to maintain a relationship and at the same time working on my own dumb ass.
And now it has been about seven months since me and my ex gf broke up, and about 3 months since we split. Dont worry we're still friends though and i value our friendship more than gold<3 And i think it were for the better actually, i think we both needed it. I see my wrong doings clearer now and im continously trying to work on it.
-Im suspected to be on da mf NPF spectrum. Probably ADD but also signs of Autism. Impulsivity, hyperfixation or obsessive behaviour patterns (towards myself and certain feelings for the most part), ANXIETY <-(MAJOR PROBLEM)
-Weed addict, and have an annoying ass addict brain. Im getting more n more dumb for everyday n every J i smoke. Sometimes i cope in bad ways, for a long time ive been finding different methods to deal with uncomfortable situations. This has resulted in me not learning to process some emotions and hiding/neglecting the a lot of the bad parts of me.
-Defensive lying: When confronted (mostly by someone i love or someone close) i get locked up and start to pull out a bunch of white lies. I think this came from when my parents busted me for the first time with hasch, and i could see how upset and dissapointed they were. Cmon its just cannabis you might think, i know, but it still really hurt their feelings and i felt really ashamed and it was so hard looking my parents in the eyes. So ever since, i've been super sneaky about things that might hurt someone. This became a big problem for me in love relationships, where i could go years feeling that my feelings where fading, without even adressing it or saying something. Eventually, the truth always floats up to the surface. As time lets the lies marinate, the truth ends up stinging much more.
-Perfectionism, Obsessive behaviour and Prestige anxiety: I've had to quit multiple hobbies and sports bc i often felt really exhausted in the end for trying to perform way over my capabilities etc. I wanted to be the BEST in several things, but it just ends up with me locking tf into the hobby, i pour all my soul n energy into it, then my brain starts spinning on overdrive and then i lose all love for it. I poor all my energy and passion into it, then it feels like it starts to suck all energy out of me. But thats how it is to be a creative amirite. I quite early in life felt the need to perform in order to make friends or to simply be likeable, sometimes doing things i really didnt want to do. Therefore my will power fades away quite easily, even when it comes to things i really love doing, in the end it feels like im doing it for someone else.